my testimony so far

testimony

noun

noun: testimony; plural noun: testimonies

1. a formal written or spoken statement, especially one given in a court of law.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

I'm guessing there are 2 types of people reading this post right now - those who have a rough idea of where I'm going with this... and those who have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about right now...

A testimony is a factual account of something that has happened, designed to be publicly expressed. While my blog may not exactly be a "court of law", I know that someone reading this post right now is probably searching for something deeper... whether it be purpose, identity or just acceptance. I know exactly how it feels to be in that place and how lost you can feel in the midst of it all. But I have experienced (and currently still experience daily) a level of joy, peace and love that is simply impossible to keep it to myself. It simply must be shared - especially in a world where there is so much darkness and pain. So through this post, I offer you my testimony - the story of how Jesus completely changed my life and why I'm so grateful to know Him. 

Over the years, I've been surprised by the number of people who feel intimidated or unsure asking me questions about my faith, but I'd just like to start off my saying I'm always incredibly happy to answer any questions you might have! 

Otherwise, I hope this testimony finds you well and that you find the throwbacckkk pics somewhat amusing :')

The early days

Many would consider my childhood as nothing extraordinary, but I'm incredibly grateful for the gift of my family. I grew up in a Christian home, founded by parents who loved Jesus, so this meant we went to church on Sundays and often prayed and read the Bible together. Having a Christian upbringing is often a major argument for discounting someone's faith. People often assume you've been conditioned into believing something, or that somehow your experience is invalid. But I do not believe that faith or a relationship with God are things we can inherit from our parents, like eye colour or facial features... I believe that we all have a choice. However, there is no doubt that being exposed to the Christian faith and community from a young age shaped my thinking and world view, opening up my mind to the concept of God existing and the prospect of a relationship with Him. 

I don't remember the exact day or hour that I made the decision...but I do recall being strongly convicted about who Jesus is and how His love, death, and resurrection could transform people's lives, even from a young age. At around 5 years old, after praying to accept this as truth for myself, I made the decision that I wanted to know Jesus. I proceeded to tell my parents I wanted to be baptised a few years later at roughly 8 years old. Over the years that followed, I experienced a growing desire in my heart to know God and live for Him. For me, this simply meant choosing to include Him in my everyday actions, from praying for my school dinners in my head to inviting my friend to church. 

The in-between phase

(super cringey pics, but we'll power through) 

Fast forwarding a few years, everything was pretty much smooth sailing until I turned 14. This was the point where I started experiencing doubt... not necessarily about God or who He was, but about my identity in general. It wasn't a sudden existential crisis sort of moment, but more something that slowly crept up on me over time, to the point where I wasn't even fully aware that it was happening.

I believe every human being goes through seasons in their life where they search for deeper meaning and purpose. Deep down, we all desire the validation that we are loved, appreciated and fully understood. Unfortunately, during my teenage years, I began to feel that I didn't really fit into any given category... I had a wonderful family and friends that I was really close to, but at times I felt they didn't truly understand me… I wasn't into the partying, relationship culture that other people my age were into… On the complete other end of the spectrum, the Christians around me seemed so "connected" to God in a way that I just didn't really understand... It was almost like they were having this experience of God that was so different from mine...and seemed so much more real than mine. So mentally I started to drift away, not denying my beliefs...but starting to engage less and less. I would still go to church, but I felt myself disconnecting both mentally and emotionally, just going through the motions with something that formerly brought me so much joy.

The tent

In Summer 2012, some other kids my age were going to a Christian youth festival for a week (which sounds like the weirdest thing ever if you're not a Christian, but if you are, it makes total sense), so I decided to go along for some chill time with friends. On the first evening, we went into the big tent where people sang worship songs and listened to sermons. It was stuff that I had pretty much heard all the time growing up, so I felt pretty numb to it all and was left with that same detached feeling... 

But then, the preacher started talking about Jesus.... Describing how He's fully God, with supreme power and authority - yet somehow fully man, able to think and feel just as we do...loving us to the extent of sacrificing His life to overcome our sin and bring us into a relationship with God, our Father.

So, again, basically everything I'd ALREADY heard and believed growing up...right?

But amazingly, this was the point where everything changed for me.

Although I had believed and grown up as a Christian, I hit me that night that I had begun to take it for granted. Over years of exposure to the "Christian" lifestyle, my heart had become hardened. My pure love for God as a child had somehow been distorted into contempt and indifference for anything associated with Him.

This was because of my longing for meaning and purpose, which (as I mentioned earlier) I believe to be a completely normal, and even vital, part of the human experience...HOWEVER, as I also conveyed earlier, we all have a choice...and up until this point, I had chosen to seek this validation and purpose in worldly things. This meant that I had stopped seeking God and a deeper relationship with Him, losing sight of my NEED for Him in the process.

I felt like I had missed out...and it felt heart-breaking. But, thankfully, He didn't just leave me there.

For what I believe was the first time ever, I felt Him speak to me. Not with a big booming voice or a mind-blowing vision...but through an intense conviction that I simply could not shake:

He had seen my whole life leading to this moment. Every cross-road and every choice I'd ever made, good or bad. As He suffered and died on the cross, He saw me - right now, in this tent on this very night...and in His all-surpassing love, He chose to die, knowing it was worth it to redeem me.  

For me, this was a life-changing revelation and I cried more in that tent than I probably ever have. There were tears of sadness, welling up from the guilt of turned my back on God over the years...but these were inter-twined with tears of joy, from a heart deeply moved by His love and care for me, even when my priorities were completely out of line. So that week, I re-committed my life to Christ by responding to Him with a simple prayer:

"Jesus, I believe that you are God, that you are real and that You died for me. I'm sorry for sinning against You and trying to do things my way. Please come and give me Your Holy Spirit and help me live for you." 

And my life has never been the same since.

The bumpy road

(pics still cringey, but somewhat less so)

In the days, weeks and months following my decision to re-commit my life to Christ, I pretty much entered a phase of re-learning everything I'd ever known about myself and about God. I began to experience fresh revelations of His love for me and a deep sense that I was truly known by Him. My search for purpose, validation and acceptance had finally come to an end - I knew that all I could ever want or need had been found in Him.

During this time, I began to actively seek God by reading my Bible and praying more. I also decided to channel my love for music into something that would glorify Him, leading me to join the worship team at my church and get more involved in the community. In hindsight, this was a crucial step for me, since it was where I truly discovered that life is not meant to be lived in isolation. Getting to know other Christians on a personal level and learn from them showed me the value of having people that support and pour into you. I also learned the value of being that source of encouragement for someone else and developed a desire to tell others about how different my life had become because of Jesus.

However, as we all know, old habits die hard and I still went through seasons where I sought validation from the old places. At this point, I became pretty active on twitter and other social media sites as I found them to be a great outlet and platform to share my voice and be heard regardless of what people thought or knew about me. This was occasionally a good thing, allowing me to reach out to people and spread positivity, but it also fuelled the fire of the old habits at times...

In sixth form, things changed a lot. My A-Levels didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped and it left me feeling really lost and confused. Up until that point, I had always done pretty well in school and had never truly failed at anything. Despite family and friends encouraging me that things would be ok, for me it felt much deeper than just the grades...my pride had taken a huge hit and I entered a really negative headspace. I ended up going to another school where I was incredibly grateful to make some new friends, but I often missed my old school and felt like an outsider a lot of the time. This was accompanied by the harsh realisation that many people I had formerly considered friends were not there for me when I needed them most. Seeing people formerly in my year group moving on to uni also meant I felt pretty left behind. 

Though these feelings of failure and rejection were indeed painful, I found a lot of encouragement and comfort from prayer and reading my Bible. During this time, I also discovered the God doesn't always speak to us how and when we like. At times, I honestly felt like I was fumbling in the dark and I longed for Him to just answer... and He did - but not always in the way I wanted or was expecting. So for a while I wrongly project my hurt into notions that God didn't care about me or that He's somehow forgotten about me...but as time went on I surrendered these feelings to Him and learned to trust Him, even when I don't have all the answers. Over the 2 years that followed, He gradually healed my heart and helped me forgive those who had hurt me in the process, as well as teaching me how to forgive myself.

So I began the journey of surrendering every area in my life to Jesus and things started to get better. I once again began living in the joy and peace I had formerly known. I liked school more. I got on better with my friends and family. I was able to encourage people who'd been through similar disappointments. Eventually, I ended up getting into med school, which was a huge deal for me. But even amidst this supposed victory, I was humbled by what I had been through and reminded that I cannot boast in anything except Christ. This season had been a pivotal moment in my faith and journey with Jesus, teaching me that He truly works things out for His glory and the good of those who love Him. Every victory is His and He is truly faithful.

The university experience

Like many people, uni was the first time I'd lived away from home. A lot of you probably know that drinking and partying aren't really my thing, with most people assuming that this is just a typical default Christian answer. On the contrary, this was something I debated with in the weeks leading up to leaving home. Since I lost a lot of friends during sixth form, I felt tempted to make compromises in order to make new friends, such as sober clubbing and a clean-but-typical uni lifestyle. On the surface these things seemed like harmless ways to socialise...but once again, deep down I felt the conviction to choose... and I came to the conclusion that living for Jesus would be an all-or-nothing thing if I wanted to do it authentically. So I made conscious decisions about things I would and woundn't engage in before I went to uni - and surprisingly, I didn't really find this too difficult to stick to at all. 

It was the repercussions that I struggled with. 

I knew I wanted friends who understood my lifestyle choices and supported me in my walk with God, so I attempted to surround myself with people who didn't really drink, smoke, go clubbing etc, but seemed to have similar interests and like to chill in similar ways. However, I soon realised that these things were not a solid foundation for trust and genuine friendship and that appearances are not always what they seem. This was a hard lesson to learn and, quite frankly, it hurt. A lot. Over time, I began placing too much value in outward appearances and people who seemed similar to me in their values, interests and lifestyles. In the process, I often failed to recognise amazing people that God had already placed in my life. This all meant that I struggled with a lack of close friendships during my first year. I also found my course incredibly difficult at times, feeling constrained in medicine as an identity at times and pressured by the workload. So uni was the first time in my life that I'd felt truly lonely. But in that place of feeling isolated and alone, Jesus showed Himself to be the best friend I could every have asked for. The closeness that we desire from friends, family and relationships is just a glimpse of the closeness we can have with Him, which is amazing. 

So second year was when I really began to surrender everything to Jesus. As I chose to put Him first each day and seek Him, things slowly made an incredible turn. As I got plugged into my church, I became aware of so many wonderful people God had surrounded me with and began to make friends (that I now consider as family) without even realising it. He also gave me new avenues and ministries to serve in, giving me ways to share my faith and meet like minded people. 

As the course progressed and 3rd year began, things became increasingly more stressful and time-pressured. I found myself spending less time in prayer with God as I would have liked, leaving me feeling so guilty and exhausted that even coming to Him as I was felt overwhelming...but this was where God reminded me that knowing Him meant I was part of a relationship, not a religion. Spending time with God through prayer and reading His word are always ideal, and of course beneficial, but even when I struggle to do these things, He still loves me and He is faithful even when things get tough. During this season, He blessed me with the strength and grace I needed to carry on, proving that He is sovereign and always there for me.

The current climate

Well, you're officially caught up. I really value a holistic lifestyle that incorporates all the things I love...but I value Jesus more. At times in my life I will be called to sacrifice these things, but I know He has a plan and will work things out for my good. My lifestyle and reasoning might not make sense to everyone, but I realise my want and need for a relationship with my Heavenly Father, which only Jesus can provide. I know what I need and deep down, if I'm honest with myself, I've known it for a long time... But over the years, it's become what I want more than anything.

The take-home message

From personal experience, I believe there's a deep need in all of us that can only be filled by Jesus. Other things may seem to satisfy for a while, but they always leave us wanting more or feeling less than full. The world tells us that if we pursue the right job, get with the right person, maintain the right hobbies, practice enough self-care, we will finally reach that goal of being happy and fulfilled. But I believe that with Jesus, no matter what life throws at me, I'm able to cope with anything and everything because I know that the worst of it all has already been dealt with on the cross. I know my story isn't for everyone. One person's experience will not be the same as the next - and that's ok. If my story encourages at least one person, then that's enough. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my testimony. God bless you <3

If you want to pray and accept Him into your heart, please feel free to use my prayer from the tent as a guide, but please know that He hears us regardless of how eloquent (or not) we sound. As long as our words come from the heart, He is faithful and mighty to save <3